(12.35.15.2)i feel horrible as of lately. this isnt a stream of consciousness but what ive put into words so many times in only a way i understand. i dont feel good, and i dont think i will ever feel good. its an issue with myself and i cant change the way i look or the way i am. i have always hated the way ive looked, i cant ever see the same person as the weeks go by and i dont understand why. i couldnt point to a photo of me taken by someone else in recognition that i am seeing myself. my eyes, brain, and body have never coincided. i have no attachment to my sense of self, and if someone truly asked of me to change to fit what they wish out of me i would do so in a heartbeat if it meant being worth something in the eyes of a normal person. i dont think i can be loved the way normal people are loved because i am not a normal person cognitively. this isnt to say i have done terrible things or seek to do damage, what i mean is the way i mentally navigate the world feels so much different and it makes it hard to enjoy it in the seemingly normal ways in which everyone around me does. it is hard to navigate a world i do not understand. i dont feel i am special or unique, just not fit for the world that exists. i dont blame anyone else, its just the fundamentals of who i am.
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i dont know how much longer i can handle being myself and the near future isnt something i find purpose in seeking out. my past wasnt worth living and the present is merely a way for me to pass the time until that "desired future" rears its head in. the state in which i am in is what i have been told is this desired future, but i feel no sense of personal success, wellbeing, or purpose in myself or in my academics. i found my own purpose was to create enjoyment for others in the ways i knew how to, which arent the ways which normal people expect appreciation to be shown. i earnestly feel i have failed at this one purpose i have outlined for myself. ive been compared to a magpie in the sense that i show tokens and objects of appreciation instead of fully verbalizing it. my words fail me at every turn and they do not come out in a way others understand. i fear making myself too known (especially with verbal affection) will cause discomfort for others under the personal assumption/understanding my physical signs of appreciation are already viewed as an annoyance. i dont expect someone to force themselves to love me for there is little about me worth clinging to. i dont look at my younger self with endearment and i dont look at my current self with any sense of affection, care, or worth.
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so many beautiful things, places, and people exist but i feel i was born with a barrier that keeps me from those things. i can appreciate and adore them for existing but they cant look at me the same way i look at them. with people i tend to find specific individuals without flaw even if they make it known they dont appreciate those parts of themselves. those people often find no beauty in me as a person, with everything i want to say being purposeless since there is no worth in hearing these words from me. you will never hear this but the constellation-like pattern of the moles that trace from your neck to the corner of your cheek remind me of the beautiful patterns that can be seen when looking at stars. though not everyone pays attention or puts value onto the small patterns that can be seen on a sole individual, especially on a passing glance, i hope you can see the same beauty that i see. the painstaking hours i put into appeasing others means nothing if the result of those hours is disregarded. showing love in the way i know is wasted time i could use in becoming someone else. i am worth nothing but what i can do for others and if i cant offer that then why am i here? i dont understand why i was made to be me. why was i put in a world i cant comprehend, one that i was seemingly created to not understand? im wasting my time thinking about this and im wasting the time of others by putting them through the trouble of knowing me. the domain name, which happens to be the username i have stuck with on various social media platforms for years, comes from this sense of killing myself slowly from the inside out in a way that is seemingly invisible to others. i was at my best when i openly hated myself and didnt make moves in order to accept myself. to my closest i am sorry and i blame you for nothing. hopefully i wont have much time to waste in the near future and i will exist as a mere idea at most. i do not want to live forever and i do not want to live momentarily.
