1.2 it is indeed january new year##newme lolololll uhm idont feel a lot of emotions at the moment which is cool. working on painting stuffgot to visit the woods which is always fun foggy weather !!!!:)) a little hopeful i hope a specific thing that s been on my mind works out the way i wantWHOKNOWSTHOO chance i will chance i wont:00 i promised myself i wont be a sad sackofshit in life cynicism just hurts those in your life and wallowing in misery turns you into a shell listening to true love thaiboyy digita l rn
1.3 found out my sister doesnt plan on leaving indy after high school and thats a 100% cool and respectable decision but it makes me feel both sad and more vindicated in my decision to leave. the rest of my family grew up and lived in indy for most of their entire lives and im the first to do so of the women of my family and i feel i have to break the cycle of regional dependency my mom always wished to break. very few people who live in my region of indiana ever leave and many center their entire lives on the menial and repetitive culture they dedicate themselves to. judgement of those who stray away from their idea of "a normal person" is at the forefront and it chips away at your sense of self to ensure you are always going to feel something is fundamentally wrong with the very concept of yourself. im happy that my sister feels comofortable staying and i guess the sadness comes from a place of wishing i could feel comfort in staying as well. anyways im listening to tu tu nerotic by the hellp rn so good
2.3 4got aboiut this lol anyways yeah i got ##rejected dont feel a lot about it at the moment (i love! antidepressants and emotion suppressors) was sobbing about it a week ago tho ill b fine. vulnerability SUCKS and im bad at it this kinda made me regret doing shit i struggle w not his fault tho thats completely on me i need to take shit as it happens ROLL with the punches. hit w a massive insecurity wave tho,, uhm confidence isnt the best once again completely on me. i need 2 make myself more palatable
2.14 i feel horrible. i dont feel good, and i dont think i will ever feel good. its an issue with myself and i cant change the way i look or the way i am. i have no attachment to my sense of self, and if someone truly asked of me to change to fit what they wish out of me i would do so in a heartbeat if it meant being worth something in the eyes of a normal person. i dont think i can be loved the way normal people are loved because i am not a normal person. i dont blame anyone else, its just the fundamentals of who i am. i dont know how much longer i can handle being myself and the near future isnt something i find purpose in seeking out. i dont expect someone to force themselves to love me for there is little about me worth clinging to. i dont look at my younger self with endearment and i dont look at my current self with and sense of affection, care, or worth. the painstaking hours i put into appeasing others means nothing if the result of those hours is disregarded. showing love in the way i know is wasted time i could use in becoming someone else. i am worth nothing but what i can do for others and if i cant offer that then why am i here? i dont understand why i was made to be me. im wasting my time thinking about this and im wasting the time of others by putting them through the trouble of knowing me. i was at my best when i openly hated myself and didnt make moves to accept myself. hopefully i wont have much time to waste in the near future and i will exist as a mere idea.
